Reflection on Rejection

Over the past two weeks, I was tasked with an adversity challenge for one of my classes in Ivey Business School’s HBA program. The class is called Hustle and Grit and is truly the best class I’ve even taken, taught by an energetic, dedicated, and inspiring professor named Eric Jansson. The challenge was called the Rejection Olympics.

How it worked: each student was assigned an individual bingo card with a variety of scenarios to bring about rejection, discomfort and failure. We were asked to choose a single line on the card, any direction, and complete the tasks along the line to get a bingo. Below is my bingo card and the line I chose to complete. I selected this line because it seemed to be the least uncomfortable, option.

After achieving a bingo, the next part of the assignment was to write a reflection on what we learned from the experiment and post it publicly in either a blog-style format or video. The point of posting it publicly? To ensure that anyone could potentially find it, another opportunity for discomfort and rejection. As my writing skills have always far exceeded my technological abilities, I decided to submit my reflection in the form of a blog post, as I’m sure is evident at this point.

After completing the four rejection challenges, I collected six main takeaways that I plan to carry with me throughout my future, in all aspects of life. Some of these reflections were not necessarily brought about directly from this assignment due to the relative insignificance of the tasks although, this assignment certainly helped solidify learnings I have recognized from past challenges as well as the teachings of this course.

1. The idea of rejection is more uncomfortable than actually being rejected:

I get stuck on things, a lot. I often can’t complete or even start simple tasks due to the consuming fear of imperfection, rejection, or failure. So, I tend to put things off for as long as I can, as if the inevitable discomfort associated with failure is somehow avoidable. For example, I didn’t begin writing this blog post until a day before the deadline because the thought of not being able to do it as well as I wanted to or getting a lower grade than I’m aiming for made me uncomfortable. This, I have learned, is consistent with a fixed mindset, in which the fear of failure hinders one’s ability to learn, grow, and ultimately, reach their greatest potential.

Although I found the task of attempting to withdraw bitcoin amusing, I was nervous to actually call my own bank and ask to do so. I was nervous about what they would think of me, how my status might be affected and what they would say. Because we generally crave acceptance as human beings, the thought of attempting to do something imperfectly or incorrectly is very scary, especially for type a, high achieving individuals like myself.

When I finally worked up the courage to call my bank, I was simply told that it wasn’t a possibility to withdraw bitcoin and the call was over within four minutes. The actual rejection was nowhere near as uncomfortable as I had worked it up to be in my head, it was extremely quick and painless. This fear in my mind of the idea of rejection had caused me to put off calling my bank for almost two weeks which I realized, was a lot scarier than the rejection itself. Similarly, actually receiving a 75 on an assignment is far less consequential than the idea of getting a 75 and sometimes, that 75 causes the necessary motivation to get an 85 on the next assignment.

It is never comfortable to fail or be rejected, but it is usually quick and then, you move on. The actual experience of failing or being rejected is what will ultimately free you from the associated discomfort and unlimited your potential to learn, grow, and achieve. Going forward in life, I will actively attempt to overcome the fear of failure and rejection because, fearing the idea causes much more discomfort than the actual rejection or failure itself.

2. Fear takes up a lot of time:

Life moves extremely quickly and fear takes up a lot of time. It took me about 30 minutes to think of who I’ve lied to (which I proudly admit is not an extensive list), what I lied about and then, decide who I was brave enough to confess to. I admit that my mom may have been an easy choice but in spite of the fact that I had wasted 45 minutes fearing the task, I decided to bite the bullet and simply tell my mom that I had lied to her about scratching her car when I was in high school. Sending the text message and admitting the lie took me all of two minutes while I had spent exponentially longer fearing sending it, not to mention the fact that there was really nothing to fear because my mom wasn’t even mad. This led me to realize that I spend much more time being afraid than I spend actually being productive.

Fear is inevitable and a certain amount of fear is often necessary; fear can be motivating and being afraid of something generally signifies its importance and proves that you care. However, too much fear can only be limiting. That is why, I believe that you should only allow yourself a brief period of time to be afraid of something before putting aside your fear and committing to action. In the future, I will only allow myself to spend a maximum of one tenth of the amount of time I think a task will take to be afraid of doing it. For example, if I have a daunting assignment that I think will take me 10 days to complete, I will allow myself to procrastinate and be afraid for one full day before forcing myself to start. In this time, I will recognize the fear, explore exactly what’s causing it and accept its legitimacy before acting in spite of it. To me, the consequence of being limited by fear is far greater than the potential consequences of rejection or failure, which brings me to my next takeaway;

3. The greatest potential consequence of discomfort or failure is their ability to hold you back from success:

I was extremely nervous to go into my local Starbucks and order my usual flat white and try to negotiate a discount. I was afraid of the discomfort the negotiation would cause for both myself and the barista, and the idea of being rejected. I spent two hours convincing myself to actually walk to Starbucks and attempt a challenge that I was fairly certain would result in failure. When I finally worked up the courage to order my drink and ask for a student discount, I was told there was no such thing. I asked if there are any discounts available for loyal customers and to my surprise, the barista smiled and said that if I bought a reusable cup for one dollar, I would save 10 cents on my drink and he would throw in 10 cents off the price of the cup for the holidays. I gratefully accepted the offer and ended up saving 20 cents while helping the environment by using a reusable cup.

The pleasant outcome of this challenge solidified an idea that I had been considering since learning more about growth and fixed mindsets and the respective characteristics of each one: the worst potential consequence of failure or discomfort is their ability to hold you back from success. I would not have been given a 20 cent discount or purchased a reusable cup to help reduce waste if I had not willingly engaged in a negotiation that I knew would cause discomfort and likely failure. As cheesy as the saying is, you truly do miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. Being able to embrace discomfort and overcome the fear of failure can often lead to great success, even if the chances of failure or rejection seem overwhelmingly high and discomfort is reasonably guaranteed. Embracing discomfort and facing failure are certainly no easy feats but as I’ve discussed, failing really isn’t that scary. What’s worse is being so afraid of discomfort and failure that you miss out on a chance for success.

4. Discomfort, rejection, and failure are only temporary what you learn from them will last forever:

Even if embracing discomfort and failure doesn’t result in success which will often be the case, it is important to remember that these outcomes are only temporary. It is undeniable that the feelings of discomfort, rejection, and failure are quite unpleasant, but they will always subside. The lessons you learn from being uncomfortable or rejected, however, will stay with you and help lead you towards success. Through the relatively minor challenges I faced in this assignment alone, I learned that rejection really isn’t that scary if I don’t allow it to scare me. I feel that I have learned how to consciously mitigate my fear of being rejected by realizing that the idea is more uncomfortable than the actual rejection and by only allowing myself a limited amount of time to be afraid. Going forward, I will continue to make this conscious effort to overcome my fear of failing and embrace the temporary discomfort in order to learn as much as I can, maximize my time and bring myself continually closer to success. While failing or being rejected cause short-term discomfort, they ultimately provide an opportunity to learn and are, therefore, an essential part of growth. The idea of failing or being rejected or uncomfortable, thus, should not necessarily be thought of negatively, which brings me to my next point;

5. The feeling of rejection, failure, or discomfort being attached to you personally is more deterring than the concepts:

I personally don’t fear failure or rejection as concepts, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to fail or be rejected but I do think it’s a bad thing if I fail or I’m rejected. Why? I think partially because it's part of my personality to aim for perfection and partially because it's human nature to want to succeed. We often see failing as a weakness which is what causes discomfort.

When I had to call a bank to ask for a loan for a paper airplane, I had no trouble doing so. I wasn’t afraid because I was making an anonymous call to BMO and I bank with CIBC. I knew that I would be rejected but no one would know it was me, Alex Starkman, being rejected so I didn’t really feel all that uncomfortable making the call. This caused me to recognize that the fear of failure and rejection and associated discomfort, for me, is a result of my recognition of failure or rejection as signs of personal weakness. This is a completely incorrect view that I think many people unfortunately hold. As psychologist Carol Dweck explains, the ability to fully embrace and accept failure is actually a tremendous strength as it will unlimit your potential to learn and grow. This is a fact that I will take great care to remember when faced with a challenge, in order to maximize my potential to learn, grow, and ultimately, achieve success.

This brings me to my sixth and final point which is something that I recently heard someone say in a YouTube video about surfing (oddly enough), that really stuck with me;

6. Failure is not the opposite of success, it is part of success:

I have learned that the best way to overcome the fear and discomfort associated with rejection and failure is to acknowledge that each failure or rejection will bring you one step closer to success.

For most of us, myself included, success tends to be the ultimate goal. Why? Because success feels good; it’s motivating and rewarding but only because it takes a lot of effort. I have recognized — with the help of this assignment and other course materials — that the satisfaction that comes from success is a direct result of a number of failures, rejections, and associated feelings of fear and discomfort that push us to ultimately reach our goals. In other words, it is the discomfort, rejections, and failures that make success so satisfying. These temporary setbacks are what force us to keep going. I know that overcoming these kinds of setbacks in the future will not be easy, but I also know that the effort and cumulative outcome will be worth it.